Whenever I am told that I am a “geek” or a “nerd”, my instant reaction is to revolt against that notion. It is no secret about my interests falling into those categories but it is still something that I cannot accept. Growing up it was tough for me. When I first developed my interest in comics and such, it was thought of being weird. I’m sure that me being how I was at that time had something to do with it as well. Either way, it was not really a good feeling. I felt like I was such a social outcast and no one would ever relate to me.
Come high school, I pretty much kept it a secret. Sure people would find out every now and then but it wasn’t something I made as obvious as I did when I was younger. It was still something that I felt I needed to keep a dirty little secret from everyone for whatever reason. I’m also sure that being in high school i just an awkward period for anyone. There are many things going on and just the added pressure of being labelled a “nerd” or “geek” was something that I just did not want.
Come college and I really did not hide the fact. There was so much going during that time, I figured that would be the least of my worries. But as I started to age more, I stopped caring less about what people thought of my interests. I figured that people would just accept it and move on with their lives. But I was wrong…very wrong.
Finding out that people thought I was just this huge stereotype. That I had no concept of reality and was much more interested in fictional things. How this made me undesirable to certain people. I must have figured that people knew there was much more to me than that. While yes I am passionate about these things, that was not all that I’m about. I remember being called “weird” by someone and just flashing back to my youth and some really bad days.
It has always been tough seeing how people see me. Because of how I look, there are certain expectations from people. When I don’t fit them, they find me odd. This really didn’t help during my formative years and I still get it today. It certainly can be a drain and it is why I keep to myself and still instinctively reject who I am.
It really is a tug of war with me. I want to be true to myself most of the time. But I don’t wanna be ostracized for my interests. I know being my age that these things shouldn’t bother me as much as they do. But every now and then I get a reminder that people look at me differently because of it. I just have to learn to accept myself and more importantly love myself for who I am. Fuck everyone else who has an issue with it. I know that there is more to me and those who don’t want to see that, that is their fault.